I was at a John Mulaney show and afterwards I managed to get in the elevator with him. It was just us and he said, “Sorry about this, I’m quite inebriated,” then he hit me over the head with a wine bottle and I passed out from the pain.
John Mulaney’s next bit: I was walking down the carpet at the Oscars and everyone started cheering, I thought I had finally made it. Then I looked around and there was Captian fucking America.